Muppet Merchandise: Official Muppet Show Script!

 A couple of years ago, I got this awesome Muppet gift, and guess what it was? IT WAS A GILDA RADNER MUPPET SHOW SCRIPT FROM 1977!!!! ( Even though the episode was filmed later.) I'm guessing it was Jim Henson's copy, because whoever had it, drew all over it. Anyways, I thought I would transcribe it so that you people can compare the episode to the script. If you don't have it on DVD, here's the episode:

 

  I know what you're thinking: " How can we tell if this is an actual script?" Well, when I got it, it came with a letter of authentication reading, " A rare original script for the original series of The Muppet Show. This script is for the episode guest starring Gilda Radner, recording date 7th March 1978. The 42 page script was formerly the property of Bryan Holgate, Art Director on the show, and has various hand annotations. Muppet Show and Henson items in general are always hard to find and this is a wonderful example of Muppet history. We hereby guarantee this script to be 100% authentic."

 So, let's get on with part 1 of the script!

 

DRESSING ROOM DOOR. SCOOTER ENTERS

Scooter: Gilda Radner...oh Gilda Radner... fifteen seconds to curtain, Miss Radner.

CUT TO GILDA

Gilda: Thanks, Scooter...but, well... I really don't think I want to go through with this. I mean... I can't lie to you.

SEVERAL MONSTERS SURROUND GILDA CARRYING LARGE CLUBS, THE SWEDISH CHEF HAS HIS MEAT CLEAVER.

Gilda: ...I can lie to you...

 

SAFETY CURTAIN WITH " THE MUPPET SHOW" LOGO. ZOOM INTO 'O'. DOOR OPENS.

Kermit: It's The Muppet Show with our very special guest star, Gilda Radner!

SAFETY CURTAIN FLIES. TABS OPEN. SHOT OF ROWLF AND ZOOT IN ORCHESTRA PIT. MONSTERS ENTER STAGE. CUT TO ROW OF GIRLS.

Girls: It's time to play the music, it's time to light the lights. It's time to meet The Muppets on The Muppet Show tonight!

CUT TO ROW OF BOYS:

Boys: It's time to put on make-up, it's time to dress up right. It's time to get things started.

CUT TO STATLER AND WALDORF:

Kermit: It's time to get things started

All: On the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppetational, this is what we call The Muppet Show!

CUT TO GONZO AND TRUMPET:

( Into Commercial No.1)

 

Kermit: Hey, welcome, welcome again! This is either The Muppet Show or the U.N. General Assembly. You have three guesses. And your first hint is that tonight's guest star is one of the great young comedienne's of our day, Miss Gilda Radner! But, first, this!

( Into: Eskimo Production Number)

 

SEVERAL PIGS AND- FOR THAT MATTER- PERHAPS A CHICKEN OR TWO ARE DRESSED AS ESKIMOS. IGLOO IN BACKGROUND. THERE IS A HOLE IN THE ICE AND THE ESKIMOS SEEM TO BE FISHING. THEY SING A SONG WHICH MAY BE ABOUT WINTER OR COLD WEATHER OR MAY BE TOTALLY INCONGROUS. ( " BROADWAY BABY" " AUTUMN IN NEW YORK" "PARIS IN THE SPRINGTIME" "BEGIN THE BEGUINE" WHATEVER.) AS THEY SING, A FISH POKES HIS HEAD OUT OF HOLE TO MAKE SNIDE COMMENTS. THEN OTHER THINGS COME OUT OF THIS HOLE IN THE ICE. A WALRUS PERHAPS, IF THE SHOP CAN PROVIDE IT. OR A PENGUIN... THEY JUST POP UP TO MAKE COMMENTS AND DISAPPEAR. IN THE END PERHAPS EVEN GONZO, OR THE GORILLA POP UP. COMMENTS TO BE WORKED OUT TO FIT LYRICS OF SONG TBA.

( Into: Statler and Waldorf No.1)

 

Statler: Weird. Why did they want the igloo?

Waldorf: What?

Statler: Why did they want the igloo?

Waldorf: Maybe, someone broke their ig.

( Into: Backstage No.1)

 

ESKIMOS PASS

Kermit: Okay, good work - move it out now though. Go a little faster.

Pig: I can't! I've got a broken ig!

Kermit: What?

( Gilda enters, with applause)

Kermit: Oh, hi, Gilda. Is that your costume for the dance number?

Gilda: Uh Hunh. Have you got my parrot?

Kermit: Your what...?

Gilda: My parrot. I asked you for a six foot tall talking parrot.

Kermit: A six foot talking parrot?

Gilda: You did get my letter?

Kermit: Of course I did, but I couldn't quite make out your handwriting.

Gilda: Sorry

Kermit: A parrot was it?

Gilda: Sure. A parrot, what did you think I'd asked for?

Kermit: I wasn't sure. But, it looked to me like.. Oh, never mind.

ENTER SIX FOOT TALL CARROT IN TUXEDO

Carrot: How come I gotta share a dressing room with a lot of vegetables?

Kermit: Er... ( TO CARROT) Not just now. There's been a mix-up here.

Carrot: If they ai'nt outta there soon there's gonna be a mixed salad in here.

Gilda: A 6 foot talking carrot?

Carrot: Watch it lady, I'm a star. Played the title role in Roots. Sung the hit song from "Cole."

Kermit: You were in Cole? Cole Porter?

Carrot: I was in Cole. Coleslaw. I had a...

Gilda: Sure. I know. You had a huge celery. And, I don't have an opening number any more.

Kermit: Why not?

Gilda: I was going to do a selection from the Parrots of Penzance.

Kermit: The Parrots of Penzance. That's the most ridiculous thing I ever heard.

Gilda: Well, it's better than selections from The Carrots of Penzance! Come on, vitamin brains! ( EXITS)

( KERMIT HEADS FOR STAGE)

Kermit: I'll introduce it. But, will anyone believe it?

( Into: Kermit intros Gilda)

 

Kermit: Okay, okay. And now for the special delectation of those opera lovers in the audience, our guest star, Miss Gilda Radner will sing selections from the Carrots of Penzance?

( Into: The Carrots of Penzance)

 

Alright, so tune in to part 2 of my Muppet Show script, coming soon!